Top 10 Rimmer Disses

Smeghead! Rimmer's always the butt of the jokes on Red Dwarf. Have a look at our Top 10!

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10. Yellow streak

Lister: "Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels." Arnold would like to think that he's the natural heir to the giants of military strategy and valour, but, as Lister pointed out when he surrendered to a potential enemy quicker than you could say 'it could just be a sneeze on the dashboard', he's less courageous than Napoleon's pet gerbil.
9. Pube-head

Rimmer "Would it harm you to have hair like mine?" Cat "I have got hair like yours...just not on my head!" Rimmer only had himself to blame for this little zinger – did he really thing he was going to win in a debate about style with the feline one, looking like he'd escaped from a siege at TK Maxx? Poor old Rimmer, it must be hard to get shampoo for hair of his…er…texture.
8. Friends forever

Rimmer: "Friendship? Do you know how many people I’ve met in my life I could count on as friends? True friends?" Lister: "Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your polythene pal, one." Rimmer's, how shall we put this, 'way with the ladies' isn't exactly the stuff of moderate pornography or legend. It's more like a letter to an advice columnist who specialises in hopeless cases, to be honest. We hear that even Ingrid asked if they could 'just be friends' after a while…
7. Lose yourself

Cat: "All in all a 100 percent successful trip" Kryten: "But Sir we lost Mister Rimmer." Cat: "All in all a 100 percent successful trip." For all the joshing, the ribbing, the occasional threat of massive head trauma, the crew are a close-knit unit. More like a family than anything. It's just that sometimes, in a family, you hope one member will be abducted by hostile forces and slayed so you don't have to hear a Hammond Organ ever again.
6. Louse-y

Lister: "You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse." The beauty of this particular insult isn't just that it conjures up a rather disturbing image of finding Arnold Rimmer in one's undercrackers, but also that it was preceded by the revelation that he once volunteered for the Samaritans and four people committed suicide in one afternoon. Nice.
5. His master's voice

Lister: "'Mister Arnold' isn't his name. His name's 'Rimmer.' Or 'Smeghead.' Or 'Dinosaur Breath' or 'Molecule Mind' And on a really special occasion when you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him 'Arsehole'." It didn't take long for Lister to show Kryten the light when it came to dealing with Rimmer. There's a certain surreal charm to dinosaur breath (presumably it smells a bit like roast mammoth and caveman) but it's molecule mind that really does it. If anything it's generous – atom mind, more like…
4. Less than ballsy

Rimmer: "I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch." Lister – "You know what Rimmer, I believe you." Sure, Red Dwarf is one of the finest meldings of science and comedy ever to grace this or any other planet, but this put-down made us all fervent believers in the idea of past lives. Finally, Rimmer had found his true calling. Although, as Lister pointed out, "most eunuchs have got more balls than you!"
3. Strictly gets dark

Holly: "And who should I have brought back, then?" Lister: "Anyone. Chen. Petersen. I mean, Hermann Goering would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer. I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could have gone dancing!" Lister wasn't entirely satisfied with Holly's choice of a hologram playpal to spend thousands upon millions of years trapped in space with. With the entire list of the crew to choose from, Rimmer did seem a somewhat strange pick. Even if it was just him and Goering you'd probably have flipped a coin.
2. Bookworm (or maybe weasel)

Ace: "You can't judge a book by its cover." Lister: "And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine." Ace certainly added to the Rimmer-misery, proving that he had it in him, somewhere, deep in the crevices of his ratty little soul, to have achieved great things and even a lustrous shiny hair-do. Sadly, as Listie pointed out to Ace, he was deficient in the old spine department, to the tune of one.
1. Rise of the machines

Kryten: "You're a Smeeee... Heee..." Rimmer: "A Smee Hee?" Kryten: "A complete and total one." This one may not have the dazzling wordplay or imagination of some of the other insults, but it's all the purer for it. The fact that an android broke its programming just to give Rimmer a piece of its mind shows just how much of a lost cause he is. This is like your hoover calling you a ponce.