10 worst football songs ever
After the aural abomination that was Mark and Henning's caterwauling in Road To Rio we've been 'treating' ourselves to some of football's other musical disasters. Be warned – this list contains rapping. Bad, bad rapping.
Andy Cole – Outstanding
Somehow managing to make a relatively glitzy nightclub seem like the world's most depressing place, Andy Cole's rapping on this track is the musical equivalent of Ronnie Rosenthal's miss from three yards out. The R'n'B hook can't dig this out of a tuneless black hole and one can only assume the scenes of him being driven around culminated in a visit to prison for crimes against everything.
Liverpool FC - Anfield Rap
From Bruce Grobbelaar's massive hands to the hilarity that is accent-based humour, the Anfield Rap had something for everyone. With genuine Scousers Steve McMahon and John Aldridge sounding like what would happen if the Beastie Boys had been raised on an island with access only to old videos of the Liver Birds, the fact hip hop managed to survive this is testament to its phenomenal popularity.
Ian Wright – Do The Right Thing
Do you see what he's done there? If you like that pun, you'll probably not mind the song quite so much, but it's still hard to overlook the fact that this is a bit like someone giving a motivational speech at a primary school disco. In a beret. This song was co-written by one of the Pet Shop Boys, believe it or not. No, not the good one.
Hoddle and Waddle – Diamond Lights
Brought together by the fact that their names rhymed, Chris and Glen were to pop what Chris would later be to successfully converting important penalties. Looking like a David Brent video but with 10% extra cheese, this moving paean to, er, diamonds and lights, slightly missed effortless chic and landed somewhere closer to soul-shredding cringe.
Paul Gascoigne – Fog On The Tyne
Post Italia 90, Gazza could probably have released a single of himself burping for 45 minutes and we'd have snapped it up as if it was a lost Beatles album, but even he must have known that his 'collaboration' with Lindisfarne was basically the worst thing to happen to music since someone coaxed Phil Collins from behind a drum kit. It's bad that the shellsuit isn't even in the top 10 of problems with this.
Del Amitri – Don't Come Home Too Soon
Usually football songs are a place for giddy, senseless, optimism with even fans of Leyton Orient prone to renditions of 'we're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen'. This song, as a sober rejoinder to all that positivity, was basically a plea to Scotland's national side not to make too big a hash of the 1998 World Cup. Sadly, but predictably, they did come home pretty bloody soon.
Chas 'n' Dave – Ossie's Dream
Straddling the line between cult icons and crime against nature, this effort from chirpy cockney duo Chas 'n' Dave does have a certain charm, but however fond one is of a knees-up round the old Joanna it's hard to overlook Ossie Ardiles' impression of Manuel from Fawlty Towers. Look – he said Tottingham, because he's got an Argentinean accent! And we wondered why Maradona cheated us in '86…
Dizzee Rascal and James Corden - Shout
There were plenty of inquests into England's dire performance in the World Cup of 2010 – training methods, youth academies, grassroots coaching, but basically the sole reason was this godawful collaboration between voluptuous funster James Corden and cartoon rapper Dizzee Rascal. Seriously – have one listen to this and then see how well YOU play against Germany…
Middlesbrough FC with Bob Mortimer & Chris Rea – Let's Dance
Not the Bowie song, oh no, this was a cover of Chris Rea's song of the same name which featured Boro players jigging in a lift, Bob Mortimer looking like he was having a manic episode and the sort of singing which would get an X Factor auditionee tasered. We're still not entirely sure this wasn't some weird mass-hallucination hangover caused by the brief mid-90s Britpop optimism. Let's hope so.
Chris Waddle and Basile Boli – We've Got A Feeling
Let it never be said that Simon Cowell is music's antichrist. Following on from the Diamond Lights 'incident' Chris Waddle also made this happen. Recorded with his Marseille teammate - a man famous for headbutting Stuart Pearce and surviving - and somehow looking like the world's Frenchest thing, this is a direct warning against what might happen to any Englishman who goes to work across the Channel.