Brandon and Lori Bernier
If Storage Hunters is a jungle, Brandon and Lori are its lion and lioness, scowling with toothy disdain atop a pile of freshly devoured gazelles. In their case, the metaphorical gazelles are bins full of highly resalable collectibles, however. Which is handy in terms of the drive home. With over 20 years' pedigree in the auction game, Brandon's not one to back down in the face of bigger, shoutier or frankly saner men – thanks in part to being a one-time boxer. Throw in sass-bomb Lori and you've got TV's most volatile, unpredictable and entertaining couple since Miss Piggy and Kermit discovered crystal meth.
Jesse may seem like he's auditioning to become a Seth Rogan character, but beneath his slacker demeanour and luscious sideburns sits a brain crammed with knowledge about what sort of goods are likely to make him the most money for the least outlay. He's been in the auction game since he was a nipper, and has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the resale value of even the most obscure goods, hence the reason Brandon sees him as possibly his biggest rival. Never afraid to play dirty, Jesse's been known to bid on items just to push the price up and his canny tricks occasionally land him in hot, punch-flavoured water.
An enigma wrapped in a mystery swaddled in a conundrum, T-Money – or Tarrell Wright – is either a master tactician or a massive con-artist. T-Money has one of the most endearing bidding styles – usually just shouting the word 'Money' – but his focus tends to be on the smaller, stinkier, less desirable bins than big shootouts with Brandon and Scott. T-Money is a Detroit boy, and while we have a sense his ghetto knowledge is at least partly picked up from watching repeats of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, he's pulled off enough impressive wins to have the attention of the others, even if they're never sure whether his cheques will bounce.
If you think the show's chaotic now, imagine how it'd go without the ever-so-shiny but ever-so-level head of auctioneer Sean Kelly. His trademark fast talking – which, god love him, just involves saying numbers and then making strange noises in between like the man out of Police Academy – adds an element of peril to the already fraught proceedings. Perhaps Sean's ability to shred nerves derives from his history of army combat, and what we're witnessing is televised post-traumatic stress. Either way, Sean's a funny fellow, working as a stand-up when he's not wheedling dosh out of people for shop-soiled mattresses.
If his name brings to mind some sort of unholy Papa Smurf/Goldilocks hybrid, you couldn't be further from the truth. Ron Kirkpatrick – or Papa Bear as he's known to his friends – is a bad-ass from the wrong side of the tracks, and he's got the slang-words and tattoos to prove it. Especially interested in anything car or motorbike related, Papa Bear has more street smarts than Rain Man's South Central cousin. He might seem like he'd be more at home in a biker bar than an auction, but he's proved he's got an eye for picking up on obscure money-spinners. Plus he's a huge fan of The Smiths, so behind that bulky, beardy exterior lurks the heart of a gladioli-wielding aesthete. Probably.
Scott and Chrissy Tassone
As fans of the various Men (Super, Bat, Spider) know, every hero needs a nemesis. In Brandon's case, that nemesis takes the shape of Scott Tassone – a man with the build and face of a jaded ex-professional wrestler and the ability to take each competing bid at auction as a personal affront. A former shipping worker, Scott has a second sense for what will make moolah, and while Chrissy hasn't quite managed to match Lori in terms of trash-talk yet, she's a dark horse if it ever comes to blows between the pair. Not least because she looks like she might, at one time or other, have served as Cher's body double in something.