When wives attack
As the old adage tells us, behind every strong man there's a trash-talking woman with a mouth like a drunk Glaswegian docker. This is certainly true of Storage Hunters' resident alpha males Brandon and Scott, who got into a bit of a to-do when Brandon very lightly bumped into or blinked at or breathed in the general direction of Scott. Brandon backed off, but wife Lori was having none of it, getting into Scott's face and barking "We're not your wife! You can't manhandle us!" At which point Scott's wife Chrissy pointed at Brandon and shrieked "Talk about wife! He's the wife! You're the man!" After that it was hard to tell who was saying what, because of all the bleeping.
Jesse's one of our favourite Storage Hunters. Partly because he always wears the hurt, irritated expression of a man who's been freshly friendzoned by the girl of his dreams. And partly because he's such a needlessly confrontational prat. In one episode he wound up getting so close to auctioneer Sean that the usually affable host went all WWF and shoved him back, shouting at him to "get the f*ck out of my face". At which point Jesse started on Brandon – because why the hell not – and was eventually frog-marched out of the area by a burly bouncer while shouting "I'm just playing! I'm just playing!" If only the MPs had thought of that excuse after the expenses scandal broke.
"You look like a mop"
The best confrontations on Storage Hunters combine fisticuffs with the kind of honey-tongued verbal banter such as you might expect from some magical meeting between Oscar Wilde and Stephen Fry. Like the time Lori lost an auction and decided to inform the winner that she should have saved her money so she could get a better wig. "You look like a mop," her rival brilliantly retorted. Lori retaliated with something about the lady being on the wrong side of voluptuous. At which point the eloquence broke down. "Bring yo' ass right here bitch! Bring yo' ass here!" Fighting ensued. The woman's wig was yanked off. It was a moment the whole human race can be proud of.
Bad ole' boys
The Taylor Brothers, bluntly summarised as "two rednecks" by Lori, are the most despised of the Storage Hunters. Like the best villains (see: Moriarty, Vader, Grotbags) they're not often on screen, but whenever they stride up there's a genuine sense of anticipation at what mayhem is about to erupt. Boasting that their "primary method is intimidation", they've had it in for Brandon and Lori from the beginning, and before long one of the bros and Brandon were having an actual, full-on, honest-to-God fist fight in the goddarn street. And let's not forget this classic post-auction exchange. Taylor brother: "Don't go pissing in my yard again." Lori: "What are you, marking your territory like a dog?"
The best of enemies
Then there's the whole Brandon and Wade dynamic. These two are the Cain and Abel, the Blair and Brown, the Hendry and O'Sullivan of the rooting-around-in-other-people's-crap industry. Hailing from the same neck of the woods, they are the bitterest rivals on a show that's not short of bitter rivalry. It's not easy choosing who to root for, though. Brandon's essentially a good egg who just wants to make some money, while Wade looks and acts like one of Ray Winstone's craggy-faced minions from The Departed. One of the pair's best skirmishes involved so much pushing, shoving and fist-flailing that it was a sort of beautiful dance in its own way. As usual, Lori got the last word. "You want MORE TEETH GONE?"