10. Be prepared
Red Dwarf might not always be the easiest vessel to find in this mixed up universe, but it’s well worth tracking down, even leaving to one side the possibility you may have left a half-eaten curry in your bunk. The ship carries enough food and drink to last 30,000 years – so about the amount you’d find in Michael Winner’s lunchbox, then.
9. Not so little Dwarf
It might be called Red Dwarf, but when it came to naming it some wag’s obviously gone for the sort of sarcasm which might have really seen a young Arnold Rimmer nicknamed ‘Ace’ without the ‘hole’ bit being added on. The Dwarf is in fact a whopping six miles long and three wide. Try tossing that around in a pub, Mike Tindall...
8. Changing Rooms
Ok, let’s be honest – the nanobots’ meddling had a few rather notable downsides for the gang. That’s safe. But, say all you like about the pesky little ‘bots, their rebuilt Dwarf was bigger, swankier and with a lot more shiny gizmos – as it would have been if the Jupiter Mining Corps hadn’t been penny-pinching. Cue an anti-matter generator and, more to the point, a karaoke bar. I Will Survive, indeed.
7. Stay classy
Picture the scene: you’re travelling in the darkest recesses of hyperspace, and your spirits are low. What you need isn’t some sort of futuristic pick-me-up, it’s a sight of Blue Midget’s bumper sticker, because it reads, and we hope your ribs are suitably constricted lest they burst from hilarity, "My Other Space Ship is a Red Dwarf." And you thought it was only fun when it was dancing...
6. Ironing out a few bugs
Meeting your future self is traumatic, especially if they’re a balding lunatic with no redeeming features (less of an issue if you’re Wayne Rooney). On the plus side, the gang’s experience caused a major (read 212%) upgrade to Starbug’s capacity, thanks to ‘dimensional anomalies’. Might make up a bit for seeing all those beer-bellies...
5. High noon
Starbug, as well as being one of the most accident prone vehicles of all time, spent much of its history as an easy-going, lovey-dovey, inquisitive puppy of a ship. That was until the chaps came up against the rather naughty rogue stimulants in Gunmen of the Apocalypse who fancied a ‘fair fight’ and armed the ‘Bug. Bad move, simmos – if there’s one hard and fast rule it’s this – never give a Scouser a laser cannon.
4. Apocalypse how?
It was never mentioned on the show, due to Kryten’s Norman Bates style behaviour towards his deceased mistresses, but Holly assures us the pointy-headed one was a little bit to blame for the Nova 5’s demise. And by little bit we mean he washed the computer with soap and water causing the malfunction which killed all human life on board. Maybe just use a bit of tissue next time eh, Krytie?
3. Where there’s hope, there’s squid
It’s easy to forget, in all the Duane Dibley-based confusion, that the SS Esperanto was doing some sterling work before it succumbed to an inky grave thanks to the despair-filled juices of a squid. In fact, the vessel had caused five million years’ worth of evolution in three years on one planet. That’s like evolving from a fish to a human overnight. Or like evolving from Kerry Katona to a human in a year.
2. Travelling light
You'd think a ship big enough to pootle around in space and contain the enormous egos of the universe's most cocksure Holograms would be heavier than SuBo in chainmail. You'd be wrong, though – the Enlightenment had neither mass nor volume, and was made entirely of light. Pretty handy for speed, less so for taking part in deep-space stock car racing.
1. Stoke me a clipper
Every hero needs their signature vehicle – Batman had his mobile, the Lone Ranger had his crippling loneliness. You get the idea. Ace Rimmer had Wildfire, and not only was it the only ship to feature a computer who went all gooey at the sight of its captain, but it was also capable of jumping dimensions. Sadly, because its engineer was a version of old butterfingers Lister, it wasn't able to jump back where it started.