Kryten's guide to Earth

Being a humble mechanoid it's not my place to comment on your planet, but here are my observations– perhaps they'll be of use to my fellow androids if they visit.



One of the first things which will strike you about humans is their reliance on emotions. They just can't get enough of the things. One minute they're grinning like a teenager who just found a way of overriding the safesearch option on Google, the next wailing like a baby. From my limited experience of emotions they're more trouble than they're worth – stick to factory settings.


Humans are constantly bored and therefore always need new ways to take their minds off their slow physical deterioration. Many of them have Digital Versatile Discs, which are less robust versions of our videotapes. Nothing I've seen on Earth comes anywhere close to matching the soap Androids for either plotting or believability, with the possible exception of 'Holly-Oaks'.

Getting around

Obviously these ape-based creatures are yet to develop the sorts of vehicles we take for granted, and think it's something worth 'blogging' about if they get as far as Australia. Sorry, I can't always suppress my sarcasm mode. There are two options: cars which are for people who use personal hygiene products and buses which appear to be mobile cages for the volatile and unbathed.


Although human homes are like museums of unwanted objects, humans still like to go to shopping malls to acquire more items, often ones which are indiscernible from those they already own. Many of the humans seem to actively enjoy walking around these malls and giving strangers money, especially the females of the species.


Talking of females, there are a few important pointers to ensure that you don't make any social faux pas. Once a month the female human will have her period. This is an occurrence which is traditionally greeted with a party, to mark her successful pouring of blue liquids onto things and playing tennis in white jeans. (Note – this may not be true, double check with Lister.)


Leaving to one side the menstrual cycle, humans are a puzzling species when it comes to anatomy. The male genitals resemble the sort of chicken which is left in the supermarket long after closing time but seem to hold an enormous sway over the male's everyday activities. I am yet to discern the precise function of the male nipple, but will continue investigations.

Staying in touch

Humans persist with the most primitive method of communication – the written word. As such, many streets are littered with small red mechanoids with hollow insides which spit them out into people's 'letterboxes', with the aid of 'postmen'. These postmen seem conscientious, often taking the contents home for inspection, especially in cases where money is secreted.


Unlike us mechanoids there is no uniform vocal pattern for the human, and confusion generally reigns. The easiest way to ensure that you are understood is to study the accent before speaking, and adjust your own voice to suit. For example 'duck' in some places is a sign of affection, whereas in others is an imperative often followed by a flying stone or brick.


Humans spend some of their time engaged in work and much, much more, engaged in talking about how much they hate work. For their efforts they are given money which has recently become about as valuable as a brightly coloured pebble. Despite this, the humans insist on putting their money in banks – shops which hide money and spend it without telling its owners.


Although on the wane, many humans still cling to their belief in a superior being, or God. For some this is a celestial based deity who seems to be in the bread and wine business, for others it's a potato-based lifeform called Wayne Rooney. They seem blissfully unaware that they are an unfortunate side-effect of my crew's encounter with a squid.

Friends of Dave