"I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
"I went to the dog races the other day. It was like Ascot for chavs."
" When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church."
"My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen."
"Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation."
"When someone close to you dies, move seats."
"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die."
"I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing."
"Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes."
"The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling."
"A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done."