"I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?"
"Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke."
[On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen] "I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside."
"They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags."
"Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two."
"What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!"
"It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol."
"Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges."