"This is the first time in my lifetime that Irish people are able to go: 'What? You're going to England? It's full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We've no terrorists at all. They're all playwrights now.' end quote start quote On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?"
"Technology is getting so stupidly powerful. For example, my iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen and frustrated and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite."
"There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That's grand, then it moves into Ah now don't push it, and finally it comes under Right now you're takin the piss, and that's when the police come in."
"Nostalgia is heroin for old people."
[On getting mugged] "I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns."
"If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?"
"I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich."
"On trying to explain the Milky Bar Kid to Americans: In the case of a Wild West conflict, the surest path to peace is to send in an albino child with chocolate."
"Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies."