Top 10 Red Dwarf monsters

Terrible, ugly, frightening, noxious. No, we're not talking about the contents of Lister's lunchbox.

Legion

10. The Epideme zombie

What's worse than bumping into an ex-crush unexpectedly? Bumping into an ex-crush when she's a rotting corpse reanimated by a talking virus. The encounter culminated with the zombie dropping a bit of her jaw into Lister's mouth. Which, as things to have in your mouth go, was pretty bad even for Lister. (And this is the man who once had space weevil for tea.)

9. Legion

Charming and helpful, Legion gave Rimmer his "hard light" powers and was lovely to be around. OK, so he was also an eerie "gestalt entity" who absorbed the thoughts of people around him and held the Dwarfers prisoner, but you can't have everything. And, given that he was forced to absorb Rimmer's psyche, you have to ask: who was the real victim here?

8. Despair Squid

An entity that releases a neurotoxin more depressing than the continued existence of James Blunt, the squid fooled the Dwarfers into thinking they had been playing a virtual reality game all this time. Part of the hallucination involved Cat thinking he was legendary nerd Duane Dibbley, so for that reason alone we'd like to shake the squid by the hand. Or tentacle. Whichever works.

7. The Inquisitor

The monster-equivalent of a black-clad teenager who's listened to Morrissey, read the Wikipedia article on French existentialism and become thoroughly depressed, the Inquisitor decided to travel through time, erasing people who hadn't led worthwhile lives. Too bad the Dwarfers undid all his good work, or we'd be living in a Simon Cowell-free world now.

6. The Kinitawowis

Considered "friendly" because they don't immediately slaughter anything they come across, the Kinitawowis were a tribe of big hulking creatures who insisted that Lister marry their most eligible female. Who had the fairly severe drawback of looking like Russell Brand crossed with some kind of farm animal. The marriage remains unconsummated.

5. Psirens

Shape-shifters who suck brains through straws, the Psirens weren't exactly subtle when it came to luring victims in. They enticed the Cat by taking the form of women saying "We beg you, make love to us. Make love to all of us." Even Lister fell for their charms when they pretended to be his boyhood love, Pete Tranter's Sister, whose buttocks resemble a "juicy, giant peach" if squeezed together. Roald Dahl would be appalled.

4. Emohawk

Why have a dog as a pet when you can have a domesticated Polymorph instead? The Emohawk was unleashed after Lister refused to bunk up with a certain hairy bride (see above). Bad news for the crew but good news for us, as it transformed the Cat into Duane Dibbley and Rimmer into Ace. Albeit an Ace who wanted to snap Cat's neck, but hey: what a guy.

3. Pete

When you find yourself in possession of a strange device that can do monstrous things to time, space and the very fabric of being, here's a tip: don't point it at anything. The Dwarfers did, and ended up reversing a little bird's evolution several million years. Result: one massive, hungry dinosaur by the name of Pete. The only thing more frightening than it was the huge vat of cow vindaloo they tried to feed him…

2. Mutton Vindaloo Beast

Lister's curries are pretty lethal at the best of times, but things got even more heated when a DNA modifier transformed one vindaloo into a lurching and highly spicy monster. For a while it looked like the Dwarfers were history, until the monster trod in some lager and started to dissolve. Cue immortal quote: "Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!"

1. Polymorph

The most iconic of all Red Dwarf beasts, the Polymorph was a shape-shifter that consumed people's negative emotions. Classic moments abounded, from the Polymorph turning itself into Lister's boxer shorts to Lister having his fear sucked out of him and becoming a gun-crazed nutjob ("Come on then all of you SLAGS!"). Best of all was Rimmer becoming a goateed gimboid with a t-shirt reading Give Quiche a Chance. Sheer brilliance.

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