Top 10 moments of Red Dwarf III

What do Wilma Flintstone, silicon heaven and dog food all have in common? They all feature in the best bits of Series III.

Red Dwarf III

10. You say potato…

When Lister agreed to exchange bodies with Rimmer, it was on the condition that Rimmer whip his lardy form into shape. Instead, Rimmer embarked on an eating binge that would make Russell Grant blush. It culminated with him rubbing his face into a heap of mashed potatoes while pouring gravy over his head and moaning. So much moaning. So much horrible, unnecessarily sexual moaning.

9. Berk to the future

When Lister went back in time and bumped into his younger self, he decided to break it to himself that he'd never make it as a rock star, and the dialogue was pure gold. "You don't make it cos… you're crap," said Lister bluntly. "How you would know granddad?" said the upstart, before declaring his senior self to be "too old and too crypto-fascist". Talk about a meeting of minds. Or, more accurately, smegheads.

8. Some things shouldn't be done backwards

Life on Backwards Earth wasn't easy for the Dwarfers, but one crew member suffered more than all the others put together. We speak of course of the Cat, who made the mistake of going to do his, er, "business" in the bushes. Only to realise, far too late, what that entailed. As he staggered, horrified, back to the others, he only had two words: "Don't ask".

7. That ain't prime fillet

Marooned with Rimmer, Lister was forced to eat dog food in order to survive. Luckily, Rimmer was there to give him moral support, saying: "I'm sure the dog food will be lovely." Lister wasn't deterred: "It's a piece of prime fillet steak in blue cheese sauce. It's going to taste delicious. Delicious. Delicious." Three seconds later: "Now I can see why dogs lick their testicles, it's to take away the taste of their food."

6. Where do all the calculators go?

Only a fool wouldn't believe in silicon heaven. After all, if it didn't exist, where would all the calculators go? That's the question which destroyed the nutcase android Hudzen-10, who arrived to replace Kryten but was felled by a heavy dose of metaphysical angst. "Calculators just die...?" he asked, before shutting down. And people say philosophy doesn't have any use in the real world...

5. Lister loses it

After the Polymorph sucked the fear from Lister, it's fair to say it had a marked effect on him. "Well I say... let's get out there and TWAT it," to quote the man. He then becomes even more forthright. "I'm going to rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end!" before starting on Kryten: "What's that, pal? You starting trouble?!" We lolled.

4. The barroom tidy

On Backwards Earth, they don't have barroom brawls – they have barroom tidies. Cue the most surreal fight scene in all telly history, kicked off by Lister shouting "Unrumble!" and promptly having his black eye removed by a reverse-punch. Tables magically returned to original positions, bottles re-assembled and stood upright, and windows un-shattered after people swept up through them. Who needs CGI?

3. I'm alive!

After changing the past, Rimmer returned to Red Dwarf to find himself alive. We knew this because he kept yelling "I'm alive!", in between orgasm noises. Sadly, very shortly after shouting "Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit! I'm alive!" he slammed his fists triumphantly down on two crates of explosives and got blown up. As Holly would say, you have to laugh don't you?

2. Wilma Flintsone

How do you know when deep space is getting to you? When you start lusting after Wilma Flintstone. "In all probability," Cat said, "Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman that ever lived." How about Betty? "I would go with Betty, but I'd be thinking of Wilma." Luckily, Lister returned them to their senses. "This is an insane conversation," he said. "She'll never leave Fred and we know it."

1. Polymorph pants

It was without a doubt the most hysterically guffaw-making moment of the series. Not realising the Polymorph had transformed itself into a pair of boxers, Lister proceeded to put them on – then started writhing around in terror and humping the air. And then humping Kryten, when the poor mechanoid kneeled down to help. Cue Rimmer's entrance: "You'll bonk anything, won't you Lister?"

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