Tim Vine Quotes

Stand-up comics - they can all be a bit clever can't they? All that satire and whimsy and weirdness. But then there's the irrepressible Tim Vine, king of the bad pun and brave defender of the Dad Joke. You'll smile, though you won't want to. But you will.

Tim Vine

"I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray."

"I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."

"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."

"Velcro. What a rip-off."

"Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out."

"Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people."

"I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?"

"Black Beauty. He's a dark horse."

"The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it."

"I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it."

"So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'"

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