"I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers."
" If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?"
"I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me."
[On being gay] "As I was being born, I looked up at my mother and said: that's the last time I'm going up one of those."
"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away."
"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."
"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties."
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."
[On airline food] "Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey – don't eat."
"No, you can't lick the system, but you can give it a damn good fondling."
"It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue."