"By 2030 there'll be no fish in the sea, according to a CNN report. I blame Comic Relief for that slogan they came up with. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod, and... he'll go mental won't he? Greedy bastard."
"Irresponsible TV ads. Like one that goes, 'Hit me at 30 miles an hour, and there's an 80% chance I'll live.' Encouraging gambling! I mean, I like those odds, but... "
"I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg."
"To an American audience: I'm from a little place called England. We used to run the world before you."
"On Stephen Hawking: He's not a genius, he's pretentious. Born in Kent and talks with an American accent!"
"I discovered I was on the shortlist for Greatest Living Britain. Greatest living Britain? I wanted to bring Isaac Newton down a peg or two. What's he done since gravity? I followed up The Office with Extras."
"On the Bible: Some of the things do sound a little bit far fetched. But then I found that the other name for the Bible is the Gospel. So it's all true. Clue's in the title."
"I don't do enough for charity. I do it a bit, you could always do more, but I look at it like this... it's a pain, isn't it?"
"On satellite TV: I watch hours on end of the History Channel and Discovery Channel. Just back and forth, History Channel and Discovery Channel. Ask me anything about sharks and Nazis. Not as bad as a lot of people make out, actually. Sharks I mean, not Nazis. Sharks, brilliant. Nazis, rubbish."