[On the Porsche Cayenne] "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
"Americans are good at herding Bison. The end."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That's what gets you."
"I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
(On the Lotus Elise): "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
"You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won’t go to Stringfellows tonight, I’ll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a woman!"
[About the Porsche Cayman S] "There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen."
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
"I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"