Malcolm Tucker's 10 Best Apocalyinsults from The Thick of It

Malcolm Tucker has raised the insult to an art form. He is the Picasso of the put-down, the Dali of the diatribe. Here's 10 of his finest masterworks, framed and on display for posterity.

Malcolm Tucker

Warning!

Contains language only grown-ups should know about. Obviously.

Malcolm Tucker: wordsmith

Just as Joseph Heller gave us the phrase "Catch-22", so too has Malcolm Tucker gifted the English language with a new term, first deployed in the direction of Nicola Murray...

"Jesus Christ, see you… You're a fcking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fck up."

Malcolm Tucker: TV critic

Facing Jeremy Paxman during a notorious Newsnight interview, Ben Swain's fidgety, blinky, stuttering performance was expertly autopsied by Malcolm.

"Who was it that did your media training, Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work."

Malcolm Tucker: class warrior

Quick question. How do you imagine Malcolm Tucker addressed the Opposition's floppy-haired posh boy Phil Smith?

"Shitehead Revisited."

Malcolm Tucker: health inspector

We're not sure if Malcolm's a big curry fan but he's obviously aware of the concept of "Delhi belly", as shown in his reaction to Nicola spilling secrets about a data loss to a passing journalist.

"Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid f*ck. You took the data loss media strategy and you ate it with a lump of E.coli. And then you sprayed it out of your arse at 300 mph."

Malcolm Tucker: investor in people

Malcolm understands the importance of cooperating with colleagues and taking their suggestions on board. He just doesn't like doing it – ever.

"Terri, when I want your advice, I’ll give you the special signal. Which is me being sectioned under the Mental Health Act."

Malcolm Tucker: flirt

After a succession of screw-ups, Nicola asked Malcolm if her job was still safe. Malcolm's way with the ladies was ably demonstrated in his response.

"That was before, when your only problem was a f*cking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle."

Malcolm Tucker: the new Willy Wonka

And we end with the very first thing we ever heard Tucker say on the show. Short and sweet. Literally.

"No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He's as useless as a marzipan dildo."

Malcolm Tucker: schmoozer

You know when you unexpectedly bump into someone you sort of know, and it's sort of awkward? Don't beat about the bush with polite small talk.

"I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes."

Malcolm Tucker: astrophysicist

In between spin doctor duties, Malcolm's clearly found time to brush up on his Einstein's theory of general relativity and spacetime curvature. He put the learning to good use when discussing the merits of a new cabinet minister.

"The guy is an epic f*ck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him."

Malcolm Tucker: fashionista

When he confronted the Opposition's policy drone Phil Smith, Malcolm channelled his inner Hannibal Lecter.

"I will tear your fcking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fcking Rhapsody. Right?" Malcolm Tucker: the new Willy Wonka

And we end with the very first thing we ever heard Tucker say on the show. Short and sweet. Literally.

"No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He's as useless as a marzipan dildo."

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